


Holding Hands: AKA Lessons in Self-Loathing

by orphan_account



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Double Date, F/F, First Date, First Kiss, M/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension, self loathing (classic Todd)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 04:58:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9476705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A Rubix Cube, a crashed car, and a root-beer flavored kiss. What do all these things have in common? The answer is a dinner date that Todd Brotzman will never forget.(I took the word crashing in the prompt quite literally)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [RenderedNull](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenderedNull/pseuds/RenderedNull) in the [gentlychallenge](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/gentlychallenge) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Dirk + Todd and Amanda + Farah go on a double date. Things go hilariously wrong. (Bart and Ken crashing it great but not required)

Todd was very out of touch with his feelings. He was so out of touch, in fact, that he was coming to suspect that his feelings had totally lost his number and chosen never to contact him again.

            As he stood in front of is open closet, Todd could tell that he definitely was feeling something, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. Trying to identify it felt like trying to herd cats- absurd in theory and nearly impossible in practice.

            Was it excitement? His heart was beating pretty fast, so it was probably excitement.

            This was Todd’s first real date in months (or, let’s face it, years), and it served as a fun reminder of the fact that he owned almost nothing in terms of formalwear. He settled for a button down shirt and his least wrinkly pair of jeans (if you had told Todd at that moment that these items of clothing would be ruined by the end of the night he wouldn’t have been happy about it, but it’s unlikely that he would be surprised).

Elsewhere, Todd’s sister Amanda was also preparing for a date. She was preparing for the same date, in fact, that Todd was preparing for. She had been the one who had suggested the double date in the first place, which wasn’t that surprising. No one else was brave enough.

Little did Farah and Todd know, however, that the date had originally been Dirk’s idea. He had just been too scared to suggest it, so he had asked to use Amanda as a conduit, and she was happy to oblige. If Todd had known about this fact, he probably would have been at least twice as nervous. The fact that someone could have the desire to ask Todd out directly seemed totally implausible to him.

            Todd was unsurprised to hear Dirk pull up outside the moment he finished putting on his shoes (knowing Dirk had actually seemed to make Todd immune to being surprised by things).

A glance out the window told Todd that this week Dirk’s car of choice was a mauve VW Bug with red racing stripes painted on the sides that Todd had unsurprisingly never seen before. While he had become accustomed to Dirk changing the car every other week, Todd still had no idea where he got some of them. Last week it had been a large windowless van with the poppy scene from The Wizard of Oz painted on the side. A month before that Dirk had tried to rent a parade float before Farah and Todd had essentially dragged him away from the rental place.

            Todd grabbed his keys and jogged out the door. He did this despite the fact that bringing his keys and closing the door were both useless actions, considering that the door to his apartment was, at the moment, lockless.

            Todd arrived out on the sidewalk to find Dirk sitting in the car, wearing his own endearing blend of formal and casual wear. Todd wasn’t surprised to see that under an avocado-green jacket Dirk was wearing his Mexican Funeral t-shirt. He had refused to wear anything else since receiving it, which Todd was fine with as long as Dirk assured him that he was washing the shirt regularly. He might have even called it cute if he weren’t so repressed.

            Todd got into the car, but Dirk was too invested in something in his lap to notice at first.

            Todd peaked into his hands to see that he was folding a piece of paper into…something. A ball of paper, perhaps.

            Once he finished it, Dirk placed the origami onto the dashboard of the car. He grinned at Todd, who looked from Dirk’s face to the piece of paper, which he had folded into a tiny version of the car they were sitting in.

            “That…that’s amazing, Dirk.” Todd’s remark made Dirk’s smile grow even bigger, which made the indescribable feeling grow.

            “Oh, that reminds me!” Todd’s smiled slightly as he dug through his pocket. He pulled out a small package endearingly wrapped in newspaper that was sloppy, but only in that way that let the gift receiver know that the gift giver cared more than they let on.

            Dirk stared down at the gift, his hands hovering over it, clearly afraid to take it.

            “What’s wrong?” Todd asked worriedly. The gauge in his head that told him how well the date was going was dropping slowly but consistently, and they hadn’t even left the curb yet.

            Dirk met Todd’s eyes with his own giant, puppy-dog-esque ones. “I-I didn’t know I was supposed to bring a gift. I’m not very well educated on datey…stuff.”

            Todd couldn’t help but smile. “You’re not _supposed_ to bring a gift, Dirk, I didn’t expect you to. I just saw something, and it made me think of you.”

            “Oh, uh, okay.” Dirk’s tone sounded relieved, and so Todd became relieved in turn.

            Dirk carefully unwrapped the package to expose a small colorful Rubix Cube on a keychain. Seeing it, Dirks face lit up once again.

            “I love it.” he said resolutely and confidently to Todd, who tried his best to match his companion’s smile. The date-o-meter in his head was now climbing, slowly but surely.

            Todd looked down at the steering wheel of the car. “Uh…” Dirk looked confused for a moment.

            “Wh- oh, fine.” They each got out of the car and switched sides. This had become ritual at the agency whenever more than one person was in the car, to the point that Dirk no longer protested. Plus, now Todd got to look at Dirk’s small origami creation throughout the whole ride.

            When they arrived at the restaurant, the two stayed in the car for a moment before getting out. They shared a look. The meaning of the look was lost on both of them, but they shared it all the same.

            “Well.” Said Todd, although it came out as more sigh than word. “What could go wrong?”

            Upon hearing this, Dirk jumped in his seat, causing Todd’s heart to leap. “Todd! Don’t say that!” Todd didn’t say anything, but his expression was asking for Dirk to elaborate.

            “Oh _come on_ , you should know not to say those kinds of things, they only provoke the universe, and _you know_ that it already hates me enough!” His hands were suddenly being thrown in the air, where they usually ended up when he got excited.

            “Wh…” as per usual, it took Todd a moment to process what Dirk had said (He didn’t realize how lucky he was; some people who Dirk had talked to in the past had taken years to process the conversation). “Are-are you saying that I’ve jinxed the date? Do you really…” he paused a moment. “Who am I kidding. Of course you believe in jinxing.”

            Dirk nodded wildly. “So. Please don’t say anything like that again.”

            Here, where Todd usually would’ve sighed, he instead smiled patiently (he figured that the feeling he’d developed earlier that night was poisoning his ability to be annoyed with Dirk).

            “Alright, Dirk. I won’t.”

            At some point between the car and the door to the restaurant Dirk threaded his elbow into Todd’s hesitantly. Despite the discomfort and the height difference, Todd didn’t protest. He could sense the smile on Dirk’s face even though he couldn’t see it.

            The restaurant was way, way fancier than Todd had expected (what had he expected? A McDonalds? A Coney Island? He wasn’t sure, but it definitely wasn’t this). Farah was the one who had suggested the restaurant as well as offering to pay (as she had felt obligated to do on all of their outings lately, being the wealthiest person in the group).

            The place was dark and lit almost exclusively by candles (and it’s common knowledge that the darker the lighting in a restaurant the more expensive the food).

He had hardly stepped over the threshold and Todd was already sweating. If there was anything that made Todd uneasy it was romance (although the list of things that made Todd uneasy was pretty extensive).

Todd could tell that Dirk was a bit nervous as well, becoming even more fidgety than usual. He had already pulled out the Rubix cube and was fiddling with it in the palm of his hand. He craned his giraffe-like neck searching for the other two.

They finally identified Farah and Amanda when Amanda began waving wildly from the other side of the room. Her smile was so bright it seemed to light their way.

The unnerving fanciness of the restaurant didn’t seem to have dampened Amanda’s determination to wear whatever she wanted, although Todd wouldn’t have it any other way (and he knew Farah wouldn’t, either). She wore an oversize leather jacket and a t-shirt decorated with (hopefully) fake blood splatters. Her nails were painted with countless different colors, all chipped.

“Hey, guys!” Amanda said as they sat down, beaming.

“Hey, Amanda.” Replied Todd, decidedly less enthusiastic. He turned to Farah. “Hey, uh, what made you pick this restaurant? It’s a little high-brow for us, don’t you think?”

Farah shrugged. “I’ve never been here before, actually. Lydia suggested it.” she paused self-consciously for a moment. “Why, don’t you like it?”

Amanda interjected before Todd got a chance to reply; “No, this place is awesome, Farah.” She grinned sarcastically at her brother. “Todd just doesn’t think he’s worth a nice lasagna and some candles every once and a while.”

Dirk splayed his hands onto the table. “Well I, for one, love it here. They have _fish_.” He hiked his thumb across the restaurant, drawing attention to the fact that they did, in fact, have a wall-to-wall backlit display of exotic fish. “I like fish.” Stated Dirk. “Although I prefer them in their natural habitats.”

Amanda nodded in agreement before turning her attention to the rubix cube sitting next to Dirk’s hand. “What’s this?” she said, motioning towards it.

Dirk closed his long fingers around it “Oh! It’s a… thing. Todd gave it to me.”

Todd raised his eyebrows at Dirk. “Wait, Dirk, do you really not know what a Rubix cube is?”

“Oh! Is that what this is called?”

The group spent the next five minutes trying—and failing—to explain what a Rubix cube is to Dirk. None of them had really considered how hard it would be to explain it until then.

“So...It’s like a puzzle? Like, a puzzle with colors?” he said eventually. Everyone else at the table nodded wildly, glad he was finally catching on and a tiny bit exasperated.

            “Oh! That’s great! I _love_ puzzles, and colors!” He stated, setting down the cube, which he’d solved and re-solved thrice in the past five minutes while no one was looking.

            When the waiter came around it took the group three minutes just to order, owing mostly to the fact that Dirk was strangely inept at picking out what to eat. He eventually decided on something from the kids menu, despite the fact that the restaurant didn’t appear to have a kid’s menu. The waiter seemed a bit confused by this, but he took Dirk’s order without argument.

            As they were waiting for their food, another waiter stopped by and offered them wine. Everyone accepted except for Dirk.

            “I don’t drink.” He stated when Farah asked why. “Alcohol doesn’t…agree with me.”

            Todd laughed. “That’s an understatement. I once offered you a beer once and it exploded in my hand.”

            “Yeah.” Admitted Dirk. “That kind of thing seems to happen to me a lot.” Dirk ordered root beer instead.

            Dirk set the Rubix cube down on the table, having solved it for the twelfth time that night before moving ever-so-slowly to put his hand on top of Todd’s. He did it with such hesitation that Todd didn’t even notice at first, but when Dirk’s hand eventually touched his, his heart began to beat so erratically that he suspected he might be dying.

Todd glanced at Dirk, whose expression said distinctly; ‘this is okay, right? This is how dates go?’ Todd looked down at their two hands for a moment before turning his hand around and clasping his fingers around Dirk’s. Dirk looked down and smiled. Todd didn’t know why this one small action was so important, but it was and he was glad that it happened.

            Dirk’s hand was warm, almost inhumanly warm. Later on when he removed his hand, Todd immediately felt cold and the distinct sensation of longing. Todd was totally unsure what he had done to make Dirk think he deserved this totally unprecedented hand holding, but he was sure that he hadn’t earned it.

            Farah and Amanda were holding hands, as well. They had been since Dirk and Todd had arrived at the restaurant.

~~~

            As the four sat around the table—each respective couple entirely unaware of the fact that the others were holding hands—two other people were holding hands as well. These people also happened to be sitting in a car which was tearing down the road. The car was a couple miles away, but it was growing ever nearer to the place where the double date was taking place, another fact which the four restaurant goers were also sadly unaware of.

~~~

            Back at the restaurant Todd looked up from the two clasped hands to find that Farah and Amanda hadn’t even noticed the small series of important movements. Instead Amanda had launched excitedly into the story of her and Farah’s trip to the local fair, where they had seen a street performer swallow three knives at once (unlike Todd, Amanda had retained her ability to feel both surprised and amazed. Todd couldn’t fathom the idea of her ever losing it).

            At this point, Farah and Amanda had already been dating for about a month, and Todd couldn’t have been happier. He could tell that Farah made Amanda feel safe (not as safe as the Rowdy 3 had made her, but safe). She wouldn’t have had the courage to go to the fair if Farah hadn’t been there with her.

            After Amanda finished her story, Farah perked up her head, her expression inquisitive. “Where do you think our food is? Not to be pushy, but it should be here by now.”

~~~

            Elsewhere, one of the people sitting in the car that was nearing the restaurant was screaming, whether out of terror or excitement no one could tell. The car was three miles away.

~~~

            Todd shrugged in response to Farah. “Maybe they’re just busier than usual.”

            Unbeknownst to the two couples, a number of factors were delaying there meal. For example, one of the chefs was going through a messy divorce because a private detective had recently discovered that he was cheating. Another chef had just arrived from a particularly unsuccessful anger management class, and if the group had been seated mere feet closer the kitchen they would’ve heard angry, muffled yells.

            Two miles.

            Amanda had picked up the rubix cube and begun fiddling with it as Farah questioned Dirk about the wellbeing of the shark-kitten.

            “Well,” Began Dirk; “It’s doing fine, as far as I can tell. It likes tuna fish and chamomile tea. I tried to name it Lucky, but for some reason it only answers to the name ‘Duck’, which I did find a bit strange but…” he shrugged. “It’s his choice. To each his own and all.”

            At the mention of giving the cat chamomile tea Farah looked questioningly at Todd, who nodded. “I, uh, made Dirk promise to take good care of it. At first I wanted it to stay at my house, but Dirk convinced me. He was really determined, so I made him promise to take good care of it.”

            One mile.

            Dirk nodded. “Yes. I’m going to buy cat food next week.”

            Farah looked at Todd witheringly with an expression that said… something. Maybe; “You two talk like a married couple.” Or else; “you guys are so cute, you repressed bastard.” Todd wasn’t sure if he liked either option better.

            The car was mere feet from the wall of the restaurant, and inertia was throwing it closer by the second.

            Two things happened within a single moment; there was a loud crash from behind the door that led to the kitchen, and Dirk stood from his seat so abruptly that the table became skewed a foot to the right (spilling Todd’s wine all down his shirt in the process). What order these things happened in—whether Dirk’s standing was a reaction or a prediction—Todd would never be totally sure.

            Todd looked up to see a jarring expression on Dirk’s pale face. He stood up too, more slowly than Dirk had but still briskly, and the other two followed. The other people in the restaurant had begun bristling and craning their necks.

            “What is it, Dirk?” Asked Todd, his voice breaking slightly because whatever had caused Dirk such dismay probably wasn’t anything good.

            “Some—I—someone’s here.”

            More yelling came from the kitchen, this time loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear; “WHAT IS THIS? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”

            Dirk was moving before anyone could stop him, walking as confidently as he could towards the swinging door that lead to the kitchen. Todd sighed hesitantly, his expression conflicted, before following Dirk to see what was going on.

~~~

            Walls are hard. They’re actually much more durable than films and television shows make them out to be, it’s kind of their job. So, while in your head it might seem like a good idea to try and drive through the wall of an expensive French restaurant, actually doing it will probably cause much more damage to you and your car than it will to the restaurant.

            Bart wasn’t worried about her own physical wellbeing—she didn’t need to—and the car wasn’t even hers. So, the only thing in the equation that Bart was truly worried about was the passenger.

            She turned abruptly to Ken, scanning him for injuries. When he eyes reached his face they found him wearing an expression that was that special mix between shocked and exhilarated that had been seemingly permanently plastered to his face since being kidnapped by Bart a couple months before. He turned his wide eyes to meet Bart’s.

            “You. You crashed through the wall…”

            Bart nodded, happy to see that he was okay. “Yeah, it was pretty sweet, right?” Ken didn’t reply, his expression downgrading from surprise to mild regret.

            The two looked ahead to see some very angry-looking cooking staff climbing through the hole they had created in the wall. Without speaking, the two exited the car. Bart dug deep into the pockets of the trench coat she was wearing over an orange safety vest, a ratty tank top, and a pair of sweatpants. She eventually pulled out what she estimated to be about 2,000 dollars’ worth of tattered and mismatched dollar bills. She shoved them into the hands of the most official-looking chef, mumbling gruffly; “This should be enough to pay for the damage.”

            Had Ken not been there, Bart wouldn’t have paid; but then again she wouldn’t even have come to the restaurant at all if it weren’t for him.

            Then, Bart saw something that made her stop in her tracks. Nothing ever gave Bart pause or reason to be surprised so this was a case of extreme improbability.

            She saw a man; standing in the doorway of the kitchen (which was now in total disarray) in a crowd of arguing civilians and cooks, wearing a hideously green jacket. He, too, was standing totally motionless-matching Bart’s confused stare.

            Bart was the first to snap out of it, furrowing her brow and marching forwards, ignoring everyone around her until her face was mere inches from Dirk’s.

            “ _What_ are you doing here.” Bart’s breath was rank, and Dirk’s face reacted accordingly to this fact.

            At this point Bart and Dirk had already confronted each other twice, not counting the fateful encounter on the useless staircase, when she had tried to shoot him. The first time had been when Dirk had been getting a smoothie at a coffee shop near his apartment, and Bart was walking determinedly outside. The two had simply glanced at each other, both coming out of the experience wondering if the other had really been there.

            The second time had been when Dirk and Todd were on a case that involved them being trapped on a Ferris Wheel for three hours as it constantly lifted them up and down. During this time, the two witnessed Bart murder a man by shoving his head into a cotton candy maker with no one but Ken, Dirk, and Todd as witnesses.

            Needless to say, it was an eventful day.

            Dirk didn’t get a chance to reply, however, because before either party could say anything Todd had pried his small body between them.

~~~

            Todd stopped in his tracks when he saw the look on Dirk’s face, instead choosing to chart the strange series of expressions that the other man went through in the next couple moments, unable to name them all. Todd didn’t understand this strange reaction until he saw what Dirk was reacting _to_.

            A car had apparently torn a sizeable hole in the kitchen, and through it had crawled that…that woman—Bart—and her accomplice.

            Todd watched helplessly and in semi-shock as Bart marched up to Dirk, getting way farther into his personal space than Todd thought was okay and saying something to him. almost spitting in the process.

            A single thought crossed Todd’s mind: _she tried to shoot him. She had tried to shoot him, and she had shot to kill._ Seeing Bart caused the Todd’s date-o-meter to take an apparently irreparable nosedive.

            Todd was finally pulled out of his dull shock and marched up to Dirk, shoving himself between the two people. Due to her slouching he was at about eye-level with Bart, and he tried his best to use this fact to his advantage, attempting to look as intimidating as he possibly could.

            “Stay away from him, okay? Just—just leave us alone.”

            Bart stared Todd down for a moment, her face unreadable. She pressed a finger to Todd’s chest (which was more painfully than he’d have liked to admit) and scrunched up her face, but before she could reply Ken wandered over to them.

            “This is _not_ what I meant when I said I wanted to eat at a restaurant.”

            Bart let her eyes slide off of Todd and onto Ken. “We’re at a restaurant. What more do you want from me?”

            Ken pinched the bridge of his nose, as if he'd just developed a massive headache. He sighed. “Anyway, the owner says he won’t press charges since you paid him, but he also says we can’t eat here today. Or ever.”

            Bart grunted, glanced at Todd, and turned away. “Alright. Whatever.”

            “Don’t worry, we’ll get Burger King on the way back, as usual.” Ken mumbled as they returned to the car, being followed by every pair of widened eyes in the restaurant.

            Todd turned to look up to Dirk, saying: ‘sorry about that’

            At least, that’s what he intended to say, but Dirk’s lips were on his before he could make a move (as usual, Dirk had no sense of timing, and this fact seemed inherently wonderful in the moment).

            Todd was in total shock for three whole seconds. He felt totally afloat in the universe, light-headed and undeserving. Dirk’s mouth tasted like the root beer he had been drinking all night, sweet and fizzy and exactly the flavor that Todd had expected (not that he had imagined the scenario in his head before). The date-o-meter in Todd’s head shot suddenly through the roof.

            When they eventually pulled away for a breath, they found Farah and Amanda standing next to them, wearing almost identical self-satisfied looks. Todd hated looking at them, but he couldn’t say he didn’t deserve it.

            Farah spoke first, and while her words weren’t smug her tone sure was.

            “Hey, there’s an A and W down the street, and since we still haven’t eaten, so do you guys wanna go eat there, instead?”

            Dirk and Todd both nodded profusely, although neither of them dared talk at the moment.

            On the drive to the A and W, Dirk and Todd held hands again despite it being a bit of a driving hazard. Todd finally noticed the huge wine stain down the front of his shirt and the small circle of dirt and blood where Bart had touched him. Yet, Todd was much less worried about this fact than he would’ve been earlier in the night. Despite it all, Todd considered the events of the night a pretty successful date.                                                                                            


End file.
